Dealing with a loss of a loved one. How did I do it?

"How was it for you? Dealing and coping with the loss of a loved one?"

As someone who has experienced many losses in my life, this is the first time that I have had someone asked me this question. Then it made me think back of the time when I truly felt the feeling of losing someone so dear to me in 2007. How did I cope?

To be honest, I did not look up any sort of self-help nor did I seek comfort in others. Yes they would offer their condolences and words of comfort but I felt that I just need some time on my own to let out all these feelings. Frankly speaking, I know that there are people who has not experience this, does not know how or what to say to make others similar to my situation feel better, so i'd rather save them the awks. I actually believe that you should and would be the best person to figure the best way to deal with grief. So yes, for me was to grief in silence, on my own. I'd spend nights (and sometimes days) crying on my own in my room. I did not hold back. I cried till my tissues turned soggy, I cried into my pillow till my pillow and blanket wet, my eyes and nose red and I would wake up the next day with swollen eyes but it felt good; I felt better.

It started with denial. Not that I refused to believe, but I COULDN'T believe that he was gone. Yes, I asked why? I asked God Why? I asked the four walls in my room Why? Why him? I would even sometimes hope and pray that he will come back and I can see him again and perhaps have a short chat thinking that he might have some last words to tell me. I also wondered how I would react but to be honest I think I would be scared shitless.

At the same time, I felt anger but no I did not blamed God for causing this accident and taking him away from us but I questioned the existent of God. Was I not religious enough? Did I not pray hard and sincerely enough? Did God not hear our prayers? In tough times like these, I questioned my faith. Perhaps that was when I started to fall out of my relationship with God.

The process for me, felt like this: 1st - 2nd month since his passing was tough, I'd still think of him everyday to weekly and thinking back of all the times we had. 3rd -  5th month, it got better, but I still think of him.every now and then or when something reminds me of him. 6th month onwards, life is catching up, I still think of him but I slowly forget about the tragedy. The one year anniversary was the shittiest. I remember crying my eyes out. Then as months and years pass, I don't think of it anymore unless I choose to think of it (like now). I experienced losses of people I know after my brother and even though we may not be as close, I would be reminded of the day and the scene when my brother passed. 

The scariest part for me is when I start to forget. I am scared. I am worried. Scared of the fact that my memories of him are starting to deteriorate. Worried that the only concrete memories that I can remember of him are photos but i can't make up the scene. When I look back at his photo(s) I would ask myself, "Was this how he looked like during this age/time?". I read back testimonials left by friends and families and I sometimes find myself saying "Oh yeah, this incident. Now I remember" or "How can I forget this". 

There is a popular saying "Time heals everything" but I beg to differ. In time, you just start to "let go" because life is catching up with you. You meet new friends, start a new semester, start a new job, filling your time with your hobbies and you will slowly forget but it does not truly and fully heal because every time when you think back, there will always be something that is missing. 12 years has passed, I still feel the same sorrow I felt on that fateful day. 

The circle of life: Study, get that certificate, graduate and get a job.

If you can imagine it, you can achieve it

If you can dream it, you can become it.

-William Arthur Ward-

5th of April 2014, marks another milestone in my life. I attended my diploma graduation when I was in KDU back in 2011. I am now a graduate from Monash University! Make that an alumni now. Haha.. Fun fact, friends of mine commented that I don't seem to age. On the left was me during my graduation in 2011 and the right was me during my 2014 graduation. I may look like I don't age, but I can feel myself ageing, physically and mentally. Photos lie I tell ya!!

When I was going through sleepless nights of finishing up my assignments and exams, trust me, there are times where I just wanted to give up and give some crappy assignment but knowing me, I don't have the capacity in me to be so whatever about it. Of course I aim to make my family proud about my achievements.

In occasions like these, there are bound to be some form of selfies.

Having to stay in the same house for the past few years, she is practically like another sister to me! :)

Aaaannndd to see myself in the graduation robe, and that mortar board a.k.a trencher cap! Because I did not get a mortar board for my diploma, so I was excited to wear the mortar board.

I prefer this robe design over the ones I had from KDU. The ones from KDU were massive! It helped having one that is of the smallest size I guess for this graduation. Not that it was any smaller, but it was more comfortable compared to the one from KDU and I felt that it fitted better too.

And I absolutely adore the soft and faded colour of the hood for the School of Arts and Social Sciences! Back then, my sash from my diploma graduation was fuchsia pink. For my Bachelor's Degree, we are identified by the colour from the inside of the sash; facing inwards and from the front as you see outlining the turquoise. My faculty's colour was Old Rose. There's just something about pink and the School of Arts huh. I also learnt that, the sash of Bachelor's Degree graduate are only folded on one side (as you can see below) as the guy explained it in layman terms: "Belum full lagi. Halfway je" (Not a full academician, only halfway there). 

I love this picture alot!

Another thing that made me determined to complete my course was the thought of possibly failing a subject. Failing a subject meant paying almost 5k to retake a subject. So... HELL NO! No way am I gonna retake any papers and to pay that sum for relearning what I have learnt but making sure I pass the second time.

Oh the happy faces of a Monash graduate :')

Photo taking sessions were quite fast and systematic. The supervisor was very friendly and made conversations with everyone.

Psst... you're not allowed to take a photo from your personal camera actually. #rebel XD

Our little group of three. All those times where we had to burn the midnight oil, studying for exams, squeezing what's left of our brain juice to come out with a decent assignment. Time spent talking and asking nonsensical questions were more productive than those that we asked relating to our assignments and exams. Thank You guys for a great two years! 

I am still up with our idea of sheep shearing, strawberry plucking though.

Milking cows don't sound like a bad idea either. You know where to find me.

Picture taken from Audrey.

Graduation day became more meaningful when you have not only family to share it with but also with friends. Friends who are sharing the same moment as you and friends who have come to celebrate the moment with you. :)

Thank you for dropping by, Rachael!! :)

Your selfie camera is damn cool. Now I know the secret to a picture perfect selfie.

Picture taken from Rachael.

The most of the Spartan attended this graduation. I believe this tradition has been going on for years now. A little overwhelming with the crowd and all but it meant a lot that all of them who were present took the time to celebrate this day with their friends who were graduating. Thank You all!!! :D

Not all of them but most of them.

Picture taken from Devi.

They gave me chocolates!!!! And a touching note to it to.

I was in the midst of my #100happydays challenge and I was glad to know that I inspired them. :)

The twins graduated on the same day as well!

Jon Khoo my brothurrrrr... It has been so long since we last met!

We didn't attend the same graduation ceremony before this but glad that we could graduate together this time!

Spot the le wild KS

Sorry for a very unresponsive me.  Glad you were there and took the time to take pictures with and for me.

Picture taken from Zhi Shan.

I call this the champions' picture among the 3 pictures that we took, because we're all smiling like champions here!

Thank you guys for the flower and for being so patient waiting for me and your friends! XD

Good to see both of them again! Lovely picture but ugghh to my hood

Picture taken from Qian Lim

Lil graduation bear from the family. Much English from the makers of the toy bear.

Word of advice for graduation:

1. Get there early! It is optional but for me I prefer to be there early so that I can settle everything from robing to taking graduation pictures to taking pictures with friends and families, skip the long queues, eat something if you have the chance. Because honestly by the time the graduation ceremony is over and you're out from the hall, all you want to do is eat. I was damn hungry halfway through the ceremony. With all the graduands packed in the same area with families and friends, you just want to get out from the robe ASAP.
2. Bring your own pins for clothes and hair. The university does prepare them but since my session was the last one of the day, there were only 3 pins left for the robe.
3. Wear a formal shirt. For my degree (and diploma) we had a button hole on our robe which is meant to be hooked onto one of the buttons on the front of our shirt. If you're particular, wearing a formal top will be much more convenient as I wore a blouse, I had to figure out the best way to pin my robe onto my blouse without looking messy.
4. Bring two pair of shoes! This goes out to all the girls out there. If you're planning on wearing those killer heels (like me *vain*) please bring an extra flats or something that you can wear comfortably while you prance around taking pictures with everyone and then you switch to your heels only when you go on stage.
5. Carry a practical [hand]bag or none. I know it is your big day and you would like to carry around your make up kit/hair accessories/cameras/phone etc. in case of emergencies and of a probable beauty fix. But being in that robe and carrying a bag is the most uncomfortable thing ever. My bag was the size of a kid's exercise book and it was so annoying that I had to carry it everywhere multi-tasking with ensuring that my robe stays in place. If you can, forgo the bag. Leave it with your family or just carry a phone with you and that's it.
6. SMILE and have fun!!! It's your big day, a day you should be proud of. So take lots of pictures, you only wear the robe probably once in a lifetime.

A celebratory cupcake for me!

Thank You to all who made my graduation a memorable one. Even though some of you who couldn't be there physically, I appreciate all the wishes and blessings! :)

My 2013 highlights in a Nutshell

Hold up on that goodbye for 2013! Or any goodbyes to the months and/or years to pass. Those goodbyes that you are saying to, are what makes you a better person or worse instead, well you be the judge. Instead of saying goodbye, look back and pick up on those events, good or bad, reflect on it, celebrate for it happens for a reason and it may just be the catalyst that moulded you into who you are today!

Here are some of my memorable moments in 2013!

1. For the love of Dance!

Only 10% of the Monash Dance Fusion Club (MDFC) here.

I learnt and improved alot from where I was the year before I joined MDFC. I joined MDFC during my second semester upon entering Monash and I was quite reluctant. I then joined the Spartan (performers group) later in December 2012. I am glad that I decided to join the Spartan group because that was where I started to learn more techniques and different styles of dances. Not to mention the corners, stretching and liftings which I was new to back then. Boy was it a challenge! (And it still is too from time to time). Oour dance teacher, Ms Sharon, is tough on us at times but she does it so we can improve and I thank her for her time and patience to deal with all of us.

Stretching sessions: People say it looks decapitating but..hm.. my face seems to say otherwise.

Photo credits to Sunny Lim

Photo credits to Sunny Lim

Liftings: This was considered one of the easier ones I feel! It requires trust, core strength and from the guys, strength to lift the girls.

Photo credits to Crystal Lim

Photo credits to Tan Zhi Shan

Then there was my first concert! I was in a total of 7 dances including the opening and closing dance. It was a great experience for me! I was so overwhelmed by the end of the concert that I even teared ;')

Photo credits to Shang Yong Ivan

It made the whole experience even better when you have your loved ones to support you. That includes those who although weren't captured in pictures but supported me throughout.

2. A 360 change

I have been wanting to loose weight since...forever. I have always carried that extra pound since younger days. You know how Chinese boys can be so mean that they call you fat and all. It really does put me off my game at times. I lost some weight as puberty came along but I gained some of them as I grew older. I have been whining and making myself feel bad about it but I've never done anything about it back then. I danced back in KDU, yes, but still I was not in a good shape. I looked like a meatball with extra stuffing!

2010: Me (left) & Sarah (right). Oh the college days.

2011: I was flabby but then, I gained more during my internship days

2012: Goodness gracious me.

Early 2013, after I joined Spartan, our teacher told me to lose weight in preparation for the concert! I started on an eat clean diet together a workout plan and I did it! By May, I was slightly toner just in time for the concert. I didn't stop there though. I continued my eat clean diet and workout plan until September which my body became toner. I let loose on my workout since September due to assignments and exams but remained eating clean as much as I can. During that period of time, I lost all my muscles! T.T As a result, I shrunk and I look skinny but flabby now.

March 2013: Perth

December 2013: Bali

Together with my weight lost, I learnt to cook better and healthier. I get a great sense of achievement especially when I learn to make something out of scratch rather than buying it off the shelf in the grocer. *gold star* I like the new lifestyle right now. It makes my body feel different in a good way. Again, all of these I will be sharing in a separate post of its own. :)

I am currently in that size you see in the Bali picture. I was initially quite upset about myself that I lost my muscles and went on an eating spree during exams and during the holiday period. But I don't feel bad about it anymore because it is normal that you will fall back at a certain point of time in life. Don't stop, just start fresh with a goal, set in your mind. I just went grocery shopping for my eat clean diet again and am pumped to start my new workout plan! When you have the right mindset, the willpower, the motivation all come together with it. :)

3. No matter how much you want it, but you can't have it, you will have to let it go
I had a pet cat for less than a month back in May. I took the cat, Amelia, in because her owner had to fly back to the US but there wasn't anyone who would take in the cat. So I decided, why not?

Meet Amelia!

I took the cat home even got all the necessities for a cat on the day itself. I was hoping that my mom would be okay with it but my hopes got crushed when she disliked the cat. Not that she hates them but she just prefer dogs over cats and she just doesn't want any animals in the house. Afraid of too much hassle. She told me to give it away! :( As much as I didn't want to, I had to. Amelia was the sweetest cat, gentle, lady-like and very manja. Although she can be quite fierce when she wants to. all those reasons which was why it made giving her up even harder.

We gave her to one of my mom's friend who loves cats and he himself rears cats. I do believe that Amelia is in good hands and in great care of a loving family. My mom told me seems that Amelia is living the life. Good food, good companions. Amelia is still fierce though as she hissed at the other cat in the home and they're scared of her. Haha. Sometimes, things just don't go your way in life, there will always be circumstances that will prevent you from getting what you want. It is at times best to let go if you have tried your best to preserve it. Who knows, it may be for the better?

She will always have a place in my heart. :)

4. Planned and celebrated a close friend's engagement!

It took us 1 year to planned this whole thing and it wasn't easy because Jackie was based in Australia and his girlfriend, Ivy is in Malaysia. With his tight schedule, it was hard for him to arrange a time to come back to Malaysia to do the video shoot. Even with him back, he had to lie to Ivy to make sure that she doesn't find out that he actually went for the video shoot in a friend's place. Haha!

BTS of the proposal video shoot.

It was an Iron Man trailer featuring snippets of his two bestman and Jackie but mostly featuring the Iron Man. The whole planning sounds easy but trust me, there was alot of hassle to go through. By the end of it, although there were some hiccups here and there but thanks to his sister Jaime who helped with the flow of planned surprise, Kuok Sing who has been supportive and helped with the planning, Keng's Cinematography with the video, Cathay Cineplex management who helped with the AV and arrangements and all of Jackie & Ivy's friends and family who have helped made it possible for this proposal to happen.

Congrats to you both!

Photo credits to Keng's Cinematography

To hear the story from Ivy herself, you can check out her account of the day right here.

5. Newspapers, Newspapers... Get your newspapers!
Who would've guessed! I didn't expected to appear in the newspapers, not sure about the others though. haha... The first one was for the Nerf Showdown hosted by Nerf Damansara which compromised of two days: one for group category and the other for individual category. I helped out as the photographer for the event and they even used my photos for The Star newspaper R.A.G.E section (http://rage.com.my/content/stories/nerf-wars/)! :D

The Star RAGE newspaper clipping 

The other news release was in the Brunei Times (http://modasys.net/3g/index.php/news-events/around-brunei/local-news/5526-m-sia-s-pore-nerfers-join-brunerf-vantage-point-4.html). The Malaysian and Singaporean Nerf team flew to Brunei for an all day war. The event, Vantage Point (VP), is a big NERF war held once a year. Other than just being there for the food and VP, the Bruneians made our stay much more welcoming (and challenging!). We were exposed to new maps, game plays and made new acquaintances.

Brunei Times newspaper clipping

6. Jet-setter

In 2013, together with my partner in crime (Kuok Sing) I conquered 5 countries in a year and a record of 4 of those countries in a month (December). My friends couldn't catch up where I was even. XD I am deeply grateful that I was able to travel to so many places in 1 year. I have not gotten the time to blog about my trips in December as I was practically away for almost the whole month. So stay tune!

Perth, Australia, 15th-19th February:
Jackie's graduation, we represented his parents!

Landscape view of Perth city from King's Park

If you wish to read all about my trip there, here are the links:
Perth Day 1
Perth Day 2
Perth Day 3
Perth Day 4 & 5

Bali, Indonesia, 4th-8th December:

Sunset at Echo Beach, Canggu

A couples' retreat for 3 pairs of couples. Also to celebrate Jackie and Ivy's engagement. Lots of food, fun in our private pool and enjoying each other's companion.

Photos credit to Jackie

Brunei, 20th-24th December:

My second trip to Brunei that is! But this time it was together with some of the Malaysian nerfers and the Singaporean nerfers to participate in Vantage Point (VP) and of course to chow down on some food and visit places.

Photos credit to Onse Hmsh

Chiang Mai, Thailand, 26th-31st December: 

The magnificient view from Doi Inthanon

A family trip with the boyfie's family. Travelled to the tourist-y spots, lots of food, friendly locals and a very relaxing trip as well. A great way to end the year with!

Standing at the highest peak of Thailand

7. Degree: checked!

Yes I completed my degree! Along with my two other course mates since our diploma days in KDU. We've been through cuckoo lecturers, un-intended puns, assignment and exam stress together-gether. Oh the times we had break-downs, okay...um.. maybe that's just me. Haha. The time spent with these two are priceless. The past years have been great and to be able to end my tertiary education with you two was the cherry on top of the ice cream!

Yep, 5 years together and this is our only selfie that we've ever took. #the3musketeers

8. The best in life are closer than you would've imagined

And its our first Christmas Tree! :D

All in all, my year would not have been a hit if it weren't for my family of course! :) They are the ones who have helped and supported me through my endeavours in life throughout the years. Without them, I may not have been able to achieve what I have, am and to be in the future.

All the kitties go Rawr!

Extra siblings, adds the extra sugar and spice in life. ;)

He's my diamond in the rough :')

I thank this man for all his love and care. His guidance and patience to put up with my shenanigans. 2013 has been a great year for us. It will continue to be great and even greater with you by my side!

The foodie four!

And then along the way, you meet new friends but not all are what they seems. You just need to look a little harder and deeper (BTW, pun not intended okay!) and when you find them, keep those lil' diamond(s). :)

Well I guess, that basically sums up the highlights of my year 2013. What's yours? :)