Its The Time of The Year Again!!!!

Its a time for giving..all the christians are busy with the preparations..if only snow falls in Malaysia..it is the time of the year again!!!where all the fun comes..it is not all fun only as it is also the day where the Lord Jesus Christ was born..it is

CHIRISTMAS!!!! yay!! ^^

One of the best thing about christmas is the FOOD!!! man..all the christmas goodies...irrisistable yummy food.. ^^ each year my church will have a christmas party and each of us would bring certain food..i really the Reverand's wife cooking because she is from Ukraine so it is nice to have a taste of something different..her cooking is really amazing..my favourite food of Christmas would be...emm...roast turkey??haha...yummy yummy...but actually i like it all.. *wink

Another thing i love are the decorations..the decorations are just awesome!!especially in the shopping malls in KL..it is so bright and lively during christmas.it feels as though the whole shopping mall is glowing with stripes of colours!!there are also Christmas souveniers and gifts and of course all the stuff that are on SALE!!hahaha...

Christmas is also the day when Jesus Christ was born..we will have christmas service on this day to celebrate the birth of Christ.many people thinks that christmas is all about gifts,Santa Claus,Christmas trees,parties and Santa Rinas but actually it is the day where a the christians celebrate the birth of Jesus.we wil sing carols from house to house spreading the good news.onther than that,it is also a time for friends and family to gather around and keep up with each other.its really a wonderful holiday.

yea yea christmas is one of the best celebrations(to me) as after two days is my birthday too..haha.. ;o) although receiving gifts is a thrill to us but we should give to others too.christmas is a time for giving..you must have heard before that "Giving is Better than Receiving".it feels good to do something for others..when you see others happy you'll feel good too..so its the season where it brings out the good in people.

for this christmas i have been quite busy..well..acually for this month..i had to make cakes for my sister's clients...it was alot of work ut i enjoyed it..haha..AND yaya..i know..i still owe SOMEONE chocolate cake..haha..actually not just someone..many ones..haha..well baking is one of my passion so i don't mind baking them..haha..p/s:don't worry guys..i'll give you your cake as fast as i can ok! ;)

well i hope this christmas will be a blessed one to all of us..nothing to write liaoo...just wanna say btw,i might not be able to reply ur msgs for these few weeks kay as i will be quite busy..i wish ya'll Happy Holidays and have fun for your holidays! and for THOSE friends of mine who are havin SPM nxt year..don't forget to study!! (yea right..as if thats gonna happen.. ;) haha) anyways always take care and hope to see ya'll soon ya!! Miss ya!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! ^^

Happy 'Anniversary'

In just a twinkle of an eye It is the 3rd of December...sometimes we’re so busy with our daily routine we did not realize how fast time flies...so many things had happened within this year...however it feels...unsatisfying... it is lack of something...it is lack of someone...it is lack of our dearly beloved Tian Leng...today is somewhat called his ‘anniversary’...i’m sure as we’re living on this earth,going through this very day...we will be reminded of the past...the past that keeps haunting us about that incident..that unfortunate incident that happened on this very date...that incident that took a part of our lives away together with him...that incident that has made people change too...

On that day, i was at home as i did not followed my parents up to the hospital in the middle of the night. I got a call from my mom telling me to pack up some of our clothes and her friend’s son will send me up to KL. Somehow i was full of energy...when i was waiting for transport, my mom called again asking me whether i’m on my way and of course i said no. So she put down the phone and i waited again...after 15 minutes or so my mom called..before i picked up the phone i had this uneasy feeling..its like i had an intuition that something is not right..even before i picked up the phone i started to weep but i held it in. I heard my mom crying and at that instant i knew what that means. She told some things to do for the funeral procession and hung up the phone.

Once she hung up,i slumped on to the floor and burst into tears..loads and loads of tears...i tried to control but i don’t know why it just kept flowing. I told my friends and they called/sms trying to comfort me. Thanks guys for those comforting but honestly it did not work. I went into my room locked the door, sat at the corber of my bed and cried. After i manage to calm down a little, i went into his room,even before i could step into his room i started crying again..i looked around in the watery eyes of mine and all the memories started to appear in images in my head..i lied down on his bed..hoping that he would come in that door again with that startled and curious look on his face asking me what am i doing.

After i pulled myself together, i went downstairs to start cleaning up.even then the tears just couldn’t stop flowing. For those 6 days, i was like a crying machine..the tears would just pour out anytime even in the bathroom when i’m brushing or bathing..i would just silently weep..i don’t like to tell people that i’m crying or feeling sad. I don’t want them to be worried and start comforting me as i know that might not make me feel any better. Well after cleaning up the house i had few friends who visited me..thankz alot.. =) for that whole afternoon i was fine with my friends there to accompany me..until they sent his body back i looked at him but i did not cry...it was all ok until the funeral service started.

Actually,i did not really looked at him for a long time when his body was sent here in the coffin.. actually it’s kinda funny but i have this thought that if i stare at him too long his eyes would suddenly open and look at me and he would crawl out of the coffin or something...but i know that wasn’t gonna happen. On the last night of the funeral service, Prema stayed at our home.she was practically like family to us already. She wanted to sleep in Tian Leng’s room for the last time. When she was sleeping, she said she felt as though Tian Leng was hugging her from the back. She said it was so real and it was the same feeling the way Tian Leng hugged her. How i wished that i can experience that feel. Before the night of my SPM,I was crying and was talking to him but actually to myself that i hope that he would wish me good luck for my SPM...but it did not happened also...

While thinking back about that day he passed away, i felt bad...i felt regretful...i can’t really explain how was that feeling like but.. i was really sad that i wasn’t by his side when he passed away. He was like the ultimate brother..he was always there for me anytime, any day, any hour..he would find time to be there for me. its sad enough that when he was born i was not there for him, when he passed away i was not there also. My whole family except me, his good friends and Prema were by his side..but i wasn’t..i felt really bad about that..i don’t blame anyone but i just feel that after all that he has done for me, its the least i can do by being there with him when he took his last breath.i really hope that i could turn back time...

Maybe i shall call this day the crying day..because i know each year on this day,i will be reminded of what has happened because it is already a scar left in me..As we are on this day..each of us holds Tian Leng in our hearts..i know i am..so are many of us..

You have lived your life to the fullest,
You are the greatest son, brother and friend,
Love you Tian Leng,
Happy ‘Anniversary’.

as i am arranging and putting the flowers in your room...

i think of you deeply and dearly...

Song of My Heart

Two worlds COLLIDE...
I never REALIZE that i could share this love WITH YOU.
You brought A POCKETFUL OF SUNSHINE since you came into my life,
Your sweet words make me feel so BUBBLY,
I even get CLUMSY and TONGUE TIED WHEN I’M WITH YOU.
NO ONE..no guy...has ever made me feel so special like you do,
You love me just THE WAY I ARE and never try to change me,
EVERYTIME I CLOSE MY EYES, its like the world stops and its ALL ABOUT YOU.
many think i'm dumb and naive to make this choice,
but whatever people talk about you and me,I DON'T CARE...
cause you sLIKE YOU'LL aid that i'm your BABY LOVE and the way you say you love me its NEVER SEE ME AGAIN.
BECAUSE OF YOU i learn to love again.
I don’t know what the future will turn out like,
I don't know when is the time we will have to take seperate roads and say BYE BYE...
However since now I’M YOURS now i will stay true to you,
I will guide you and give what is best for you,
I will pour out my love and care to you...
THIS I PROMISE YOU

gone & lost...

i feel so sad...
i feel so weak...
i feel so hurt...
deep within..

four months it has been
yet i felt it was just yesterday
i have a scar in my heart
that forever will stay

tell me its not real
tell me its fake
tell me its a dream
that i'll soon awake

why did that happen?
why did he go??
how can he leave me???
here all alone..

i pray for you to stay
i pray for you to awake
i pray hard day and night
but it seems its all fake!

it feels like i've lost all hopes
i've lost all my dreams
i feel like giving up
cuz without you it all seems like shit

i wanna see you again
feel your warmth,kiss your face
i wanna hug you again,
hear your voice all again

i'm afraid of being alone
for i'll cry like i do now
i don't wanna weep no more
but it seems i can't

Forever i'll be sad
Forever you'll be gone
even if Forever i wish
you'll never return...

Holding Back the Past...

I notice that i've been getting quite emo nowdays. It has been quite some time since i last cried...today, i started pouring out tears all of a sudden..i felt like i was holding back something.then i realised..that i was holding back my past.i was still holding on to the past.i didn’t want to let go of it. I thought i was over it..i could tell my loved ones to cheer up,move on with your life..i knew the words to comfort them and give them a heads up, i thought i was strong enough but turns out that i am not as strong as i say i am.

I was tiding up my folders in my laptop,i had to go through many files..i had a lot of pictures especially in my laptop. Had to delete some pictures..especially pictures of yours sincerely cam whoring. I checked file by file, picture by picture. Many were deleted. But it came to one file where i couldn’t delete anything.why? cause it is Tian Leng’s files. First i opened the file that says ‘pictures’. Double clicked it and i see Tian Leng’s documents, Tian Leng’s reports, Tian Leng’s pictures etc. First i took a look at all his pictures. That instance i looked at the first picture, my tears came running down my cheeks. i went through his pictures. How i wish that he in that picture would move and talk or turn his head and smile at me. Its all just my imagination.

There was one thing i regretted the most when he left us. That is not spending time with him. i used wonder why he doesn’t take me out lepak with his friends. I mean like it would be a hell of a time ryte? Later i understood that he doesn’t want me to be exposed to all these bad habits that he has. He doesn’t want his lil baby sister to be influenced by it.he is just doing his duty as a big responsible, protective brother. I also used to think that he was overprotective and he is a busybody. I have to be careful of who i hang out with, what i say, where am i, what am i doing. Its like i’m tied up with him cause he wants to know everything bout me and sometimes i don’t even know how he finds out that lil secret of mine! And trust me when he does..he’s gonna lecture me and make fun of me.

Last time he told me not to date this mix guy. I mean like i’m not even interested in him.but he thought i was. And he started his lecture. He was like

“June i tell u ar..u don’t go and date that guy. He’s not right for you and you are still young. “

At that time he sounded so serious,i was just like

“yalah,i didn’t even couple with him or what also.”

“I don’t care! You must be careful. If he does anything to you, you must tell me ok!”

See how protective he can be! Even with his girlfriend. At that time i thought that he was annoying and bugging my life. On the other hand, now i felt like i’m missing something. Its like i lost my independence. I felt insecure without him around. Last time i had someone to go to if i had problems. I had someone by my side that will make sure that he will be there whenever i need him.he's someone to be there for you..he's got your back.

Just give him a ring and he will be right there as soon as possible just for you. Hmm...Tian Leng..you said that you are always there for me. but why did you have to leave so soon. I felt like part of my joy and happiness, part of my life is gone with you. You are like the sun that shines in the darkness. You bring happiness to everyone around you. No matter how dull the day can be,you somehow manage to make the clouds go away and make the sun shine bright with a stripe of rainbow across it.

now when i see people or my friends having a big bro by their side. I get kinda jealous and how i wish that was me and my own bro. I see them having fun, annoying each other..i envy them but at the same time i feel happy for them. I’m hate it when people say they don’t like it when their sister or their bro don’t care about them and when they say they wish that they didn’t have siblings at all. Huh! Why don’t you try exchanging places with me! you should be happy and grateful that you still have them! They don’t say they loved you doesn’t mean they don’t. Its just that they express it in a different way. Life’s brief candle.Therefore Appreciate them for who they are.

IF TOMORROW NEVER COMES

If I knew it would be the last time

That I'd see you fall asleep,

I would tuck you in more tightly,

And pray the Lord your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time

That I'd see you walk out the door,

I would give you a hug and kiss,

And call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time

I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,

I would video tape each action and word,

So I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,

I could spare an extra minute or two,

To stop and say "I love you,"

Instead of assuming you would know I do.

But just in case I might be wrong,

And today is all I get,

I'd like to say how much I love you,

And I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,

Young or old alike,

And today may be the last chance

You get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,

Why not do it today?

For if tomorrow never comes,

You'll surely regret the day.

That you didn't take that extra time

For a smile, a hug, or a kiss,

And you were too busy to grant someone

What turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,

And whisper in their ear,

That you love them very much,

andYou'll always hold them dear.

Take time to say "I'm sorry,"

"Please forgive me," "thank you" or "it's okay".

And if tomorrow never comes,

You'll have no regrets about today.

~author unknown~

Celebrating a birthday, without Him.

Chocolate cake....hhmmm...everytime when it comes to this time..this day..of the year...we would have the heavenly chocolate cake..so devilicious that it melts in your mouth..you cant help but to take a bite of it when u see it. irresistible wei..however unfortunately..during this time of the year..we won’t be having that anymore..what am i talking bout?...

Well..its our dear beloved tian leng’s bday on the 1st of feb.and evrytime..we would have chocolate cake on this day..well..its cause its tian leng’s favourite cake.

**~Chocolate Cake~**

i thought of the past few years where our family, for sure are gonna have chocolate cake on every year on the 1st of Feb. miss the chocolate cake..but what is it compared to dear jack. it can be replaced and bought another day..on the other hand, Tian Leng..?its someone, a life that no one can replace. Ever...

There’s like this feeling inside of me...a prickly feeling.i feel like i’m still living in the past and not wanting to lose that feeling. The feeling that Tian Leng is still here. Everytime at home i always think of him..Thinking that he’s in college and he is coming back on weekends. Feeling that anxiety of him coming back....

Now every weekends i remember the days where he would come back in the evening..i was hoping for him to reach that front gate..knock on the door and call out my name..I keep imagining that image..That picture of him..That feeling that i always feel when he comes home..but it is so different now..i wait but he’s not coming. i try to hear but its fading. i try to feel but it’s not real.

Sometimes i even force myself to think that what I saw last time was not real. That it wasn’t Tian Leng. Then is not him and that this is a terrible nightmare. a nightmare that i will forget once i wake up and realise that it was all only a dream and it did not even happened. Then i realised..

“No June..It’s real...it had happened. u were in the hospital, u were there, and u saw him. It was him lying there, that was his blood, that was his face, his body, his hand. That was him and he’s gone.”

I tried to reject that fact. Thinking that it was all like in those drama movies but it wasn’t. This is reality.

When i was watching heroes the other day,i thought how nice it would be if i had superpowers.in that case i could turn stop time and go back into the past like Hiro Nakamuri?then i could save tian leng.or what if i could paint the future like Isaac mendez?then i could predict the future and stop tian Leng from that tragic fall. What if Tian Leng had the ability to fly like Nathan petrelli? Then he would have survived that fall. What if Tian Leng had Claire Bennett’s in the same case just like wolverine powers? He can heal himself and still be here having a time of his life. But its all just movies and unreal dreams..

I made up a nickname for Tian Leng.its called Chocolate Carousel. I nicknamed him this caused he liked chocolate cakes a lot. Carousel is a place in the palace of the golden horses where he went for his intern. His friends said that that was his favourite place in that hotel where he feels calm and has peace in his heart. i thought it is a good combination. It sounds like a creamy chocolate cake with drizzles of syrup and white chocolate with a dash of flaky icing dust on top. Sounds elegant and heavenly to me. =)

I will keep you in my heart always loving you sincerely and missing you dearly! especially when I’m eating chocolate cake! ;p HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY KOH KOH!! I hope you are having a blast up there, bringing joy and laughter to the angels around you! last but not least...I dedicate this memory verse to you! I dedicate this blog in memory of you too. Think that you did found the true meaning of love and i know that you are carrying it with you now.Happy Chinese New Year bro! We will miss you forever. :)

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." (I Corinthians 13:4-8).