Sunday, March 16, 2008

Holding Back the Past...

I notice that i've been getting quite emo nowdays. It has been quite some time since i last, i started pouring out tears all of a sudden..i felt like i was holding back something.then i realised..that i was holding back my past.i was still holding on to the past.i didn’t want to let go of it. I thought i was over it..i could tell my loved ones to cheer up,move on with your life..i knew the words to comfort them and give them a heads up, i thought i was strong enough but turns out that i am not as strong as i say i am.

I was tiding up my folders in my laptop,i had to go through many files..i had a lot of pictures especially in my laptop. Had to delete some pictures..especially pictures of yours sincerely cam whoring. I checked file by file, picture by picture. Many were deleted. But it came to one file where i couldn’t delete anything.why? cause it is Tian Leng’s files. First i opened the file that says ‘pictures’. Double clicked it and i see Tian Leng’s documents, Tian Leng’s reports, Tian Leng’s pictures etc. First i took a look at all his pictures. That instance i looked at the first picture, my tears came running down my cheeks. i went through his pictures. How i wish that he in that picture would move and talk or turn his head and smile at me. Its all just my imagination.

There was one thing i regretted the most when he left us. That is not spending time with him. i used wonder why he doesn’t take me out lepak with his friends. I mean like it would be a hell of a time ryte? Later i understood that he doesn’t want me to be exposed to all these bad habits that he has. He doesn’t want his lil baby sister to be influenced by it.he is just doing his duty as a big responsible, protective brother. I also used to think that he was overprotective and he is a busybody. I have to be careful of who i hang out with, what i say, where am i, what am i doing. Its like i’m tied up with him cause he wants to know everything bout me and sometimes i don’t even know how he finds out that lil secret of mine! And trust me when he does..he’s gonna lecture me and make fun of me.

Last time he told me not to date this mix guy. I mean like i’m not even interested in him.but he thought i was. And he started his lecture. He was like
“June i tell u ar..u don’t go and date that guy. He’s not right for you and you are still young. “
At that time he sounded so serious,i was just like
“yalah,i didn’t even couple with him or what also.”

“I don’t care! You must be careful. If he does anything to you, you must tell me ok!”

See how protective he can be! Even with his girlfriend. At that time i thought that he was annoying and bugging my life. On the other hand, now i felt like i’m missing something. Its like i lost my independence. I felt insecure without him around. Last time i had someone to go to if i had problems. I had someone by my side that will make sure that he will be there whenever i need him.he's someone to be there for you..he's got your back.

Just give him a ring and he will be right there as soon as possible just for you. Hmm...Tian said that you are always there for me. but why did you have to leave so soon. I felt like part of my joy and happiness, part of my life is gone with you. You are like the sun that shines in the darkness. You bring happiness to everyone around you. No matter how dull the day can be,you somehow manage to make the clouds go away and make the sun shine bright with a stripe of rainbow across it.

now when i see people or my friends having a big bro by their side. I get kinda jealous and how i wish that was me and my own bro. I see them having fun, annoying each other..i envy them but at the same time i feel happy for them. I’m hate it when people say they don’t like it when their sister or their bro don’t care about them and when they say they wish that they didn’t have siblings at all. Huh! Why don’t you try exchanging places with me! you should be happy and grateful that you still have them! They don’t say they loved you doesn’t mean they don’t. Its just that they express it in a different way. Life’s brief candle.Therefore Appreciate them for who they are.

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